I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
