I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
