You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
