I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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