How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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