Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
