we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
