cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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