My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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