please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
