Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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