there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
