see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
