Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
