end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
