Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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