I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
