You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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