It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
