I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
