Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
