the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
