I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
