OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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