It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
