Your mouth is God's brothel.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
