My friends, they love my intelligence
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
