I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is Oprah even human
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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