By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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