I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
