I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
