i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
