Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
