I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
