Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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