you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
