I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
