On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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