how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
