Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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