I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
