I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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