I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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