He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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