wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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