I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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