So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
