I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
