My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
