My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
